5 Ways to Have Your Conflict at Senior Team Meetings

1. Tell the Truth
In most meetings there is what we say, and then there’s what we’re thinking in our heads. Usually the latter has much more volume—and often more wisdom—than the former. Now, I still think we should keep our internal editor “on,” but generally speaking we need to say more than we are saying now. We need to say that we disagree. We need to say that the idea won’t work. We need to say that we don’t know the answer yet. Try saying more and see what results you get.

2. Ask questions
I know you have answers. But ask more questions anyway. When someone makes a suggestion and you respond with your alternative answer, it feels like you are in a competitive game (they no need to come up with a BETTER answer). Yes, ego is involved here (see number three), but remember that we all come up with better answers if first we ask more questions. Oh, and if you ask the question, PLEASE listen to the answer instead of coming up with more answers in your head.

3. Give your ego a break
Maybe it will help to sit in front of the mirror and so some affirmations before the meeting (“…and gosh darn it, people LIKE me!”), but during the meeting don’t let your ego hijack the conversation. Egos cause us to NOT say some things (fear of looking bad), and they cause us to say things that we regret later (making sure they look bad, or at least that you’re better). Learn how to be aware of when your ego takes over, and then put it to the side. Remember, your ACTUAL self worth is not likely to change because of what you say at this one meeting.

4. Name the elephant
We all know of the “dead elephant” in the room (alternatively known as “dead moose”)—that issue that everyone knows is huge and important (and often smelly) but no one is talking about. Just name it. “I think there’s a dead elephant in the room that we’re not talking about and it’s X.” You may be wrong—that might not be THE issue—or it may not be the right time to talk about it. But put it out there anyway, because trying to go back later and talk about it will be MUCH more difficult. This applies to little things too ("I notice that every time we start to talk about X, we quickly change the subject").

5. Finish it
Don’t open up the conflict, let everyone get uncomfortable, and then say you’re out of time and we’ll deal with this later. You have to take the conversation through to some kind of closure—even if it is temporary, and it has to be okay with all the parties in the conflict. This means your meeting may not always follow its agenda. Deal with it. It’s easier to deal with an unfinished agenda than the long-term effects of unfinished conflict.

Bonus: Make the rules explicit
Tell everyone ahead of time that these are the rules about conflict (or whatever rules you come up with) and that it’s everyone’s responsibility to support each other in working this way. It’s an easy way to start to introduce real accountability into meetings.

Comments

[Neil Denny]

A very helpful article, thanks. I do worry that we get so precious about getting to resolutions that we forget that we are in conflict at all.

I have just finished a full day meeting where I knew there were real issues between colleagues. I spent the best part of the day trying to get that issue to surface and then, 30 minutes before the scheduled end, up it pops. Man that is so frustrating.

I had been aware that if we didn't deal with the issue then it would have sabotaged the agreements we had reached in earlier sessions - whether intentionally or not.

Indeed, when it did arise, it surfaced as a sabotage attempt. We extended the meeting and had something of, what I call, a blood letting to release the pressure and ensure that the complainant felt heard.

Essential stuff.

[Jamie Notter]

Great comment, Neil. Our expectations of neat, tidy, sequential meetings are a little unrealistic, in my mind. Thanks for weighing in.

(And, readers, Neil must have been so excited by this post that he mis-typed his own blog address! He's got a great blog, so check it out: http://embracingconflict.blogspot.com/